The Ultimate Cliché, The Impossible Love
by Londra
Summary: Don't you just hate clichés. Personally, I do. That's why this story exists. I took a DMHG cliché in my hands, and sadistically added notes to make it tremendously funny. Author mistakes and plot holes. Teasing ridiculous clichés. Parody. Humour. DMHG


**Disclaimer: **JKR owns it all

**A/N: **This is a story written for the one and only reason I got tremendously bored, but I do have another story which is much better and serious Dr/Hr called _Dignity._ Anyways this story is based on clichés and has been found amazingly funny. I had one friend almost choke to death, so be careful, lol!

Other than that, enjoy!

"**The Impossible Love" or "They were never meant to be"**

Platform 9 and three quarters was very full with students excited to return to Hogwarts – as it always is – and Hermione, who had grown very beautiful over the summer and had filled in the right places and curves. Her now tamed brown hair was falling to the small of her back, thanks to her mysterious cousin Mary who we've never heard before had given her a new conditioner and it had helped A LOT – is there _really _something like that? Because I know quite a few people who would love it -.

She ran over to her two best friends – as she always does – and squealed – for some strange reason I can't imagine why someone would _squeal _while they're perfectly capable of talking normally.(or is it just me?) –

'Harry, Ron, I've missed you guys so much!' and pulled them in a great hug – Don't you think they're a little tired of getting hugged? –

Harry and Ron had grown for some obscure reason over the summer – just like everyone else -. Ron had a now towering figure of almost six feet. – It's never exactly six feet, poor Ron he'll never be exactly six feet either a bit taller or shorter –

'Oh! 'Mione - Nicknames. Hate. Loathe. Despise.-. You look gorgeous!'

She went in the train and sat in their compartment. Harry and Ginny were snogging and Ron was glaring at them – nothing to say other than _as usual_ -.

She left for the Heads Compartment because guess what –drum rolls – she's head girl. She is astonished to see Draco Malfoy too.

'What are you doing here _ferret_?'

'Well, as I'm Head Boy, I have a perfect right to be here. The question is, what are _you _doing here?'

( I've always wondered why Dumbledore chose Draco Malfoy, the son of a Death Eater as Head Boy, while there are candidates such as Harry Potter, Ron Weasley or even Ernie Macmillan to be so)

'This cannot be! You can't be Head Boy. Because, because, because – think of a reason quick, running out of becauses - because you're Malfoy! – thanks Hermione, we didn't know that – she shrieks.

Malfoy smirks. – because that's the thing he always does –

Just then McGonagall comes in and tells them they have to share common rooms and that they'll have separate rooms joint with a bathroom – like they always do -.

Hermione leaves the compartment and goes for the trio + Ginny, who has locked herself to Harry.

Ron asks her out – typically –

'I really like you Ron, but just as a friend. Sorry.'

Ron gets really sad and decides Hermione will be his no matter what, in the end.

They arrive at Hogwarts and the midget first years get sorted. They are taken to their room – either by McGonagall or Snape who have no other job other than doing so -.

They are aloud to set their own passwords so Draco makes it something like 'pureblood'. Hermione rejects because there's obviously nothing else she could do.

Hermione is surprised to see the room is wonderful. The common room is decorated in red and silver or green and gold. There is a huge fireplace and a huger sofa in front of it – which is a snogging place for later on -. There are two chairs, one with an H, the other with a D carved to it.

Then there are stairs which lead to two separate rooms. McGonagall, who hasn't said one single word during the few minutes of time during Hermione surveying the room, decided to speak again.

'Miss Granger, your room is the one to the right – it's _always _the right one – and Mr. Malfoy, yours is to the left – which means it's always the one to the left-' then she leaves.

They try to get up the stairs at once and bump into each other.

'Watch where you're going Mudblood.' Draco Malfoy spat – he always spits, he has a little saliva problem –

For some bizarre reason Hermione is too used to this to react. I'd still be greatly irritated if someone kept on calling me something as bad as JKR says it is in the CoS -

'_You _bumped into me ferret' – which isn't an insult half as bad as Mudblood –

'No, it was you.'

(They fight for minutes about who bumped into who then Hermione leaves for her room with a loud huffing sound)

She opens the door of her room. It's absolutely fantastic. The walls are painted in red and gold. There is a portrait of a lion on the wall. Her bed is very big and fluffy – a nice place to shag later on –

She immediately falls to sleep.

She wakes up early in the morning and goes to take a shower. Draco comes in and watches the beautiful curves of her as she takes a shower. - She of course takes her time because she is perfectly aware of the fact that he is watching her - .She comes out with a towel – wonder how a towel got into a tiny shower and managed to stay completely dry –

She comes out and shrieks when she sees Malfoy – she occasionally even drops the towel -. Malfoy is only in silk boxers – either black or green but usually green -. She stares at her body. – drum rolls please - _Quidditch had made wonders of him. _– isn't that like the most cliché and the lowest you could get? –

'No need to stare Mudblood, I know I'm hot.'

She blushes furiously- totally ignoring the insult - and says

'You're so full of yourself, Malfoy. Go fuck Pansy.'

But it's either Malfoy has already broken up with her or he hates the _pug-face_.

Hermione charms her hair dry and goes down to breakfast. McGonagall is giving out the timetables – like she always does –

Ron says

'Shit. We've got potions first thing.'

They hurry out of breakfast and head for the Slytherin dungeons. They're two minutes early but –

'Potter, you're late. Ten points from Gryffindor and detention tonight.' – which _always _happens, no exceptions –

They're supposed to work in partners and - surprise surprise , Snape has decided everyone work with a partner from the other house. He already has them assigned

'Finnigan and Bulstrode. Patil and Zabini. – it's always some other people first - Weasley and Crabbe – occasionally Goyle -. Potter and Parkinson. - And drum rolls again for… - Granger and Malfoy.' She doesn't listen to the rest.

'Well Granger, I'm definitely _not _coming to you.'

Hermione stands up and goes next to Draco.

They work on the potion which is a very strong truth potion, stronger than veritaserum and takes two months to brew. – So shockingly they have to work together for two months. - Snape assigns a four foot long essay due tomorrow. Hermione says she can do it alone but Draco says he can't throw his potions grade into risk. They eventually decide to do it together.

(By the way, I'm utterly sorry but I forgot to mention the fact that Draco is second best student to Hermione, which I'm sure none of you had any clue about.)

They go back to their room and start working on the project. Hermione looks up and melts under Draco's blue-but-actually-grey-eyes.

A few weeks later, Dumbledore calls them and tells them they have to prepare a Halloween Ball.

Meanwhile the bitch Pansy makes various attempts to convince Draco to come to the ball with her, all of them being right in front of Hermione, but Draco refuses all.

Then Draco bumps into Harry and Ron.

'Watch your step Malfoy.'

'Oh yeah and who are you to order me around Pothead?'

Ron draws his wand.

'Ron, don't.' says the boy-who-would-not-die

'Now, Potty, protecting the Weasel are you?' he laughs and goes off – sometimes gets punched by Ron -

It's two months later and the truth potion is complete, which is not mentioned in between at all.

They take the potions in turn and Draco confesses that Lucius abuses him and his mother. And that Lucius wants to make him a Death Eater because the Dark Lord chose him as his heir, but he doesn't want to become one.

We never learn Hermione's secret, because of the fact that she doesn't have one. Other than the wonder conditioner of course. Or the author is too lazy to invent one. -

One day before the ball, the hottest guy and the prettiest girl of Hogwarts still don't have dates. It's late at night and they're returning from a prefect meeting – or the library -. They go past the Room of Requirements and the door suddenly opens. They see a huge bed.

Draco, who sees a huge bed and a very pretty girl in the same room at once, decides he loves Hermione and says

'I love you Hermione. Sorry for calling you Mudblood all these years. (equals Let's shag. Please?)'

'Oh, I love you too Draco. I forgive you. (equals Yeah, good idea. Let's shag.)

They suddenly find themselves on the bed and all the clothes are scattered to the floor.

Totally unnecessary and over-explicit sex scene, which doesn't fit with the plot at all. Just there to entertain the readers who only read fanfic for the sex scenes.-

(Meanwhile the words freezes except for Hermione and Draco so that no one hears the screams and moans coming from the room.)

Draco is about to enter Hermione. He grasps the fact that she is a virgin and is kind enough to ask

'Are you sure you want to do this Hermione?' – and they're on the first name basis, finally.

No, I'm not you idiot. And I have no bloody idea why I let you get this far, I hate you… ahem -

'Yes Draco, go on.' She says biting her lip _– _which she always bites –

Draco enters her. But I doesn't hurt, at all. After all, Draco is very skilled and knows how to do it without hurting her. Hermione is enjoying herself.

'Harder Draco, harder. Please. I love you Draco' She moans – how on earth is it possible for someone to moan seven words at once ? –

They hit their climaxes at the same time, screaming each others names – which no one hears, still. –

Then they lie breathless next to each other and Draco whispers

'Wow.' – cliché, cliché, cliché –

'Yeah, wow.'

The world unfreezes -

Harry and Ron, whose sensitive ears hear the whispers, and not the screams, come rushing from the Gryffindor tower, into the Room of Requirements. They see Hermione and Draco

'Hermione, how could you do this to me? I loved you!' Ron says dramatically and runs off along with Harry.

'Wait Ron, I can explain. He's changed.'

Ron comes running back -

'No, he hasn't. He's still the ferret. – and goes running back, leaving a crying Hermione and a Draco – who said nothing before – to comfort her. Draco's grey eyes had turned into a shade of light blue – how on EARTH does that happen, really-

Now Hermione has fought with her best friends. – is there one single story that doesn't happen? –

Draco and Hermione decide to go to the ball together. Hermione as devil. – There are the parts in between where she and Ginny go to Hogsmeade and pick a suit - She has a red mini skirt and a very skimpy red shirt and red high-heels. – Then there is the part where Ginny does her make-up-. And of course she looks beautiful.

Draco is angel and it has very much matched his pale skin. He looks gorgeous.

They go into the Great Hall, and every head turns to look at them. Some shriek with shock and some girls are green with envy, especially Lavender and Parvati.

All of a sudden a slow song begins and they slow dance. They share a kiss where _Draco's skilled tongue explores her mouth._

Finally the Death Eaters and Voldemort break in and they all die.

**A/N: **Sorry I was too bored just ended it like that. Please review?


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